Don’t be a cool parent, be a smart one

It’s a dilemma for new-age parents, eager to be considered cool, to limit their child’s access to the worldwide web. If you’re a parent and you have tried, you’ve also failed and become resigned to the multiple channels that bring the outside world into your homes via smart phones and Blackberries, the most you can do is to stem the tide of information.

However, control doesn’t always have to be about meting out tough love. There are simpler ways of staying informed and alert about what the internet might be doing to your child’s physical and mental well-being.
1. Parent trap
Falling into the trap of demands is the first death knell. Buying her an iPhone with an internet connection, while an extravagant birthday gift, also changes your child’s relationship with the world.
It’s important to understand that peer pressure at school or work-related guilt isn’t reason enough to shower and spoil your children with lavish gifts, especially at a age when their impressions about the world are just being formed. Viewing their social relationships through the prism of Facebook or Myspace can alter the way your children interact with their peers.
2. Act before they leap
The teenage brain is a work in progress, and begins to prune itself from the age of 12 to become a more sophisticated neural hub. An effective analogy would be a powerful turbo car with an unskilled driver at the wheel. The cornerstone of your parenting philosophy, especially in matters of freedom and the internet should be mentoring. Your job is to guide the unskilled driver instead of just throwing her the keys, or denying her the ride altogether.
3. Understand the logic
Think of how the nation reacted when Kapil Sibal decided to police the internet-and these were adults wanting to secure their freedom of expression. With teens, multiply that angst by a hundred. The first step, if you find your child retreating from the real world into an online parallel, is not to panic.
Shutting off all access is only going to complicate the boundaries you’ve set for them. Being firm comes with the territory of being a parent but ensure your rules connect with them at an amicable intersection.
Reactive measures such as checking phone records, internet history and befriending your child under false pretenses online only works as a band-aid to the situation. It provides temporary relief but doesn’t set any sort of precedent for the child to reject these online avenues when they want to share their thoughts.

4. Be a deal maker
Learn to meet your child halfway. Negotiate the number of hours she spends online. For example, after an hour of surfing online, insist on an hour and a half of reading or playing outdoors. While you’re negotiating hours, it would be a good idea to draw up a list of websites that are off-limits.
If you make this list with your child’s co-operation, chances are they will not be tempted to flout the rules. It’s important to explain the concept of boundaries as markers of concern rather than authority or an overarching need to interfere.

5. Listen. Process. React
Technology is an empowering tool that has the power to give expression to everyone’s thoughts. It’s where your child is heard when you haven’t listened to her enough at home. So start a dialogue about your own Facebook page, about making more friends than you can handle and navigate the conversation to people you willfully weeded out of your friends list.

Find ways to introduce topics of safety, privacy and internet fraud to your child in an oblique manner. Quote from real life instances and gauge her reaction to these.

If your child has been a victim of bullying or disturbing behaviour online, or you’ve caught her looking at forbidden websites by lying about her age, the worst thing you can do is react negatively. Building awareness in children about confidentiality, not sharing passwords with anyone and what is appropriate to be shared as a Facebook/Twitter status is more important than raging over minor indiscretions.

6. Channel the resource
If your family shares a PC, then ensure that it’s installed in a common area of the house, where internet usage can be monitored effectively. The internet isn’t just about social networking sites but can help children add to their knowledge base beyond school.

You must step in as the mentor to guide their research. Steer them towards websites that help to improve their attention span, creative writing skills, visual and spatial ability and fine motor skills. Therefore, rather than viewing the internet as an enemy, learn to harness it as an effective tool that can aid your child’s growth, development and education.
With inputs from Shelja Sen, clinical psychologist and family therapist at Children First and Seema Hingorany, clinical psychologist.
Reproduced From India Today. © 2012. LMIL. All rights reserved.

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