This is some good hilarious stuff…!!!!

This is some good hilarious stuff…!!!!

Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?
It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime!
Wife: No darling, it means,
With Idiot For Ever
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******
Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,
So I'd be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,
So I could have a new one everyday.
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******
Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******
Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.
Husband: You should have known it the minute
I asked you to marry me.
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******
Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it.
So I bought 3 movie tickets.
Wife: Why Three?
Husband: For you and your parents
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******
Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest?
Husband: A lovely Push…!!!
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******
Q: What is the most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday?
A: Just forget it once and you will never forget it again
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,
You know, I was a fool when I married you.
The husband replied, “Yes dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *****

Joke

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns,
unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine
or feminine. "House", in French, is feminine "La Maison". "Pencil", in
French, is masculine, "Le Crayon". One puzzled student asked, "What gender
is a computer?". The teacher did not know, and the word was not in her
French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups
appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer"
should be a masculine or feminine noun.
Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine
gender (La Computer"), because -
No one but their creator understands their internal
logic;
The native language they use to communicate with
other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term
memory for possible later retrieval;
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (Le
Computer), because -
In order to do anything with them, you have to turn
them on;
They have a lot of data but still can't think for
themselves;
They are supposed to help you solve problems, but
half the time they ARE the problem;
As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if
you had waited a little longer, you could have gottten a better model.
The Women won.

If we could shrink earth's population...

If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look something like the following.

There would be:
57 Asians
21 Europeans
14 from the Western Hemisphere, both north and south
8 Africans
52 would be female
48 would be male
70 would be non-white
30 would be white
70 would be non-Christian
30 would be Christian
89 would be heterosexual
11 would be homosexual
6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's wealth and all 6 would be from the United States.
80 would live in substandard housing
70 would be unable to read
50 would suffer from malnutrition
1 would be near death; 1 would be near birth
1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education
1 would own a computer
When one considers our world from such a compressed perspective, the need for acceptance, understanding and education becomes glaringly apparent. The following is

also something to ponder...

If you woke up this morning with more health than illness, you are more blessed than the million who will not survive this week.

If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation, you are ahead of 500 million people in the

world.

If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death, you are more blessed than three billion people in the world.

If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep...you are richer than 75% of this world.

If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace ... you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.

If your parents are still alive and still married, you are very rare even in the United States and Canada.

If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you, and furthermore, you are more blessed than over two billion people in

the world that cannot read at all.

Someone once said: What goes around comes around.

Work like you don't need the money.

Love like you've never been hurt.

Dance like nobody's watching.

Sing like nobody's listening.

Live like it's Heaven on Earth.

HOW A SON/DAUGTER THNKS OF HIS/HER DAD AT DIFF AGE

At 4 Years My daddy is great.


At 6 Years My daddy knows everybody.

At 10 Years My daddy is good but is short tempered

At 12 Years My daddy was very nice to me when I was
young

At 14 Years My daddy is getting fastidious.

At 16 Years My daddy is not in line with the current
times.

At 18 Years My daddy is becoming increasingly cranky.

At 20 Years Oh! Its becoming difficult to tolerate
daddy. Wonder how

Mother puts up with him.

At 25 Years Daddy is objecting to everything.

At 30 Years It's becoming difficult to manage my son.
I was so scared of my father when I was young.

At 40 Years Daddy brought me up with so much
discipline. Even I should do the same

At 45 Years I am baffled as to how my daddy brought us
up.

At 50 Years My daddy faced so many hardships to bring
us up. I am unable to manage a single son.

At 55 Years My daddy was so far sighted and planned so
many things for us.

He is one of his kind and unique.

At 60 Years My daddy is great.

Thus, it took 56 years to complete the cycle and come
back to the 1st stage!



So Don't waste time and Never forget our parents.

Gujju Death

Gujju Death
A Patel family in Gujarat was puzzled when the coffin

of their dead mother arrived from the US. It was sent

by one of the daughters. The dead body was very

tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left

in it When they opened the lid , they found a letter

on top addressed to her brothers and sisters:

Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Mohan and Varsha,

I am sending Ba's body to you,since it was her

wish that she should be cremated in the compound of

our ancestral home in GUJARAT. Sorry, I could

not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed.

You will find inside the coffin, under Ba's body,

12 cans of cheese, 10 packets of Tobler chocolates and

8 packets of Badam. Please divide these among all of

you. On Ba's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok

shoes(size 10) for Mohan. There are also 2 pairs

of shoes for Radha's and Lakshmi's sons. Hope the

sizes are correct.

Ba is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size

is for Mohan. Just distribute the rest among

yourselves. The 2 new Jeans that Ba's is wearing

are for the boys. The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is

on Ba's left wrist.

Shanta masi, Ba is wearing the necklace, earrings

and ring that you asked for. Please take them off her.

The 6 white cotton socks that Ba is wearing must

be divided among my nephews. Please distribute all

these fairly.

Love Smita

PS : And if anything more required let me know

soon as Bapuji is also not feeling too well

nowadays...

Some FUNNY Lines

GIRL AND BOY
Girl: do You Love Me?
Boy: Yes Dear.
Girl: would You Die for Me?
Boy: No, Mine is undying Love.
==================
On the First Day of Marriage, the Husband is treated like "God"...
After that the Alphabets are reversed.
==================
"What's the similarity between a good-looking, faithful, rich husband
and BIN LADEN?"
Answer: "BOTH CAN NOT BE FOUND"
==================
"Smile is a curve that makes lot of things straight"....
.......So make that curve now.."

In Reply To All Sardar Jokes .

It's true....

We all love Sardar jokes. But do you know that Sikhs are one of the hardest working prosperous and diversified communities in the world.

My friend told me about the following incident which I wish to share with you. It has had a deep impact on my thinking.

During last vacation, his few friends came to Delhi. They rented a taxi for local sight-seeing. The driver was an old Sardar and boys being boys, these pals began cracking Sardarji jokes, just to tease the old man.

But to their surprise, the fellow remained unperturbed.

At the end of the sight-seeing, they paid the cab hire-charges. The Sardar returned the change, but he gave each one of them one rupee extra and said,

''Son, since morning you have been telling Sardarji jokes. I listened to them all and let me tell you, some of them were in bad taste. Still, I don't mind coz I know that you are young blood and are yet to see the world.. But I have one request. I am giving you one rupee each. Give it to the first Sardar beggar that you come across in this or any other city.'

My friend continued,* ' That one rupee coin is still with me. I couldn't find a single Sardar begging anywhere.'

MORAL:

The secret behind their universal success, is their willingness to do any job with utmost dedication and pride. A Sardar will drive a truck or set up a roadside garage or a dhaba, put a fruit juice stall, take up small time carpentry, ... but he will never beg on the streets.

Sardar Ji Quiz

Sardarji is in a Quiz Contest trying to win prize money of Rs.1 crore.


The questions are as follows:

1) How long was the 100 yr war?

A) 116
B) 99
C) 100
D) 150

Sardar says "I will skip this"


2) In which country are the Panama hats made?

A) BRASIL
B) CHILE
C) PANAMA
D) EQUADOR

Sardar asks for help from the University students


3) In which month do the Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

A) JANUARY
B) SEPTEMBER
C) OCTOBER
D) NOVEMBER

Sardar asks for help from general public


4) Which of these was King George VI first name?

A) EDER
B) ALBERT
C) GEORGE
D) MANOEL

Sardar asks for lucky cards


5) The Canary islands, in the Pacific Ocean, has its name based on which animal:

A) CANARY BIRD
B) KANGAROO
C) PUPPY
D) RAT

Sardar gives up.





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If u think you are indeed clever and laughed at Sardar's replies, then please check the answers below:

1) The 100 year war lasted 116 years from 1337-1453

2) The Panama hat is made in Equador

3) The October revolution is celebrated in November

4) King George's first name was Albert. In 1936 he changed his name.

5) Puppy. The Latin name is INSULARIA CANARIA which means islands of the puppies.

Now tell me who's the dumb one....Don't ever laugh at a Sardar again..

WHO SAYS ENGLISH IS AN EASY LANGUAGE?

FILL IN THE BLANKS WITH YES/NO

1) __________ I DON’T HAVE SENSE.

2) __________ I AM STUPID.

3) __________ I DONT HAVE BRAIN.

Two Friends by www.americangameshow.com

TWO FRIENDS WERE WALKING THROUGH THE DESERT. DURING SOME POINT OF THE JOURNEY, THEY HAD AN ARGUMENT; AND ONE FRIEND SLAPPED THE OTHER ONE IN THE FACE.

THE ONE WHO GOT SLAPPED WAS HURT, BUT WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING, WROTE IN THE SAND:

TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE.

THEY KEPT ON WALKING, UNTIL THEY FOUND AN OASIS, WHERE THEY DECIDED TO TAKE A BATH

THE ONE WHO HAD BEEN SLAPPED GOT STUCK IN THE MIRE ! AND STARTED DROWNING, BUT THE FRIEND SAVED HIM.

AFTER HE RECOVERED FROM THE NEAR DROWNING, HE WROTE ON A STONE:

“TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SAVED MY LIFE “.

THE FRIEND WHO HAD SLAPPED AND SAVED HIS BEST FRIEND ASKED HIM, “AFTER I HURT YOU, YOU WROTE IN THE SAND AND NOW, YOU WRITE ON A STONE, WHY?”

THE FRIEND REPLIED “WHEN SOMEONE HURTS US WE SHOULD WRITE I T DOWN
IN SAND, WHERE WINDS OF FORGIVENESS CAN ERASE IT AWAY.

BUT, WHEN SOMEONE DOES SOMETHING GOOD FOR US, WE MUST ENGRAVE IT IN STONE WHERE NO WIND CAN EVER ERASE IT.”

LEARN TO WRITE YOUR HURTS IN THE SAND AND TO CARVE YOUR BENEFITS IN STONE.

THEY SAY IT TAKES A MINUTE TO FIND A SPECIAL PERSON, AN HOUR TO APPRECIATE THEM, A DAY TO LOVE THEM, BUT THEN AN ENTIRE LIFE TO FORGET THEM.

The Law of the Garbage Truck?

One day I hopped into a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his breaks, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us.
My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean he was really friendly. So I asked, “Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!”
This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call “The Law of the Garbage Truck.” He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they’ll dump it on you.
Don’t take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don’t take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the street. The bottom line is that successful people don’t let garbage trucks take over their day.
Life’s too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so…
“Love the people who treat you right. Forgive the ones who don’t.”
Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it! Good Day

4 RULES TO LIVE BY !

DRINK, STEAL, SWEAR & LIE

I met this person who has a motto he lives by everyday. He said ” listen carefully and
live by these 4 rules: Drink, Steal, Swear, & Lie.”* *

I was shaking my head ‘no’, but he then told me to listen while he explained his four rules. So here they are:

1.. “Drink” from the “everlasting cup” every day.

2.. “Steal” a moment to help someone that is in worse shape than you are.

3.. “Swear” that you will be a better person today than yesterday.

4.. And last, but not least, when you “lie” down at night thank God you live in a country where you have religious freedom.

I am not as good as I should be, I am not as good as I could be. but THANK GOD* *
I am better than I used to be !*

Good One for MNC EMployes

A Senior Manager working in an MNC, as usual after lunch goes to the cafeteria for coffee.
He relaxes in canteen. He sees a canteen boy cleaning tables there.
To Kill time he decides to have fun with him.
He calls him.
Senior Manager - (Asks canteen boy) : How much do you earn?
Canteen boy smiles…
Senior Manager - what are your future plans?
Canteen boy keeps quiet…
Senior Manager - where do you see yourself 10 years down the line?
Canteen boy gives a cold stare.
Senior Manager - Jab mai Mumbai aaya tha tab mere paas bhi kuch nahi tha…. Aaj mere paas kya nahin hai…
naam hai……… .,
shohrat hai……… ,
paisa hai……… …
Izzat Hai……… ….,
tumhare paas kya hai?
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Canteen boy - Sa’ab mere paas bahut KAAM hai….
Senior Manager leaves the cafeteria silently…. …

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time leadership mattered, now dealership rules the world.

Once upon a time quality was craftsman’s pride, now it is a departmental mess.

Once upon a time mouse was an untouchable mammal, now it is handheld pest.

Once upon a time wisdom was cultivated by wise people, now it is flashed on T-shirts.

Once upon a time teacher tought and students learnt, now teacher trade and students consume.

Once upon a time population was a problem, now it is a flourishing mass market.

Once upon a time competition brought out the best, now it brings out the worst in people.

Once upon a time there was a golden rule, now if you have gold, you rule.

Once upon a time truth telling was good for your soul, now it is bad for promotion.

Once upon a time success meant living by ideals, now it is about using above all principles.

Once upon a time beauty was in the eye of the beholder, now it is booming business.