Friday, March 27, 2009
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks "What do they do here?"
He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in? "Because maintenance is so bad >that>>the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the cafeteria..."
Thursday, March 26, 2009
A young man was getting ready to graduate college. For
many months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealer's
showroom, and knowing his father could well afford it, he told
him that was all he wanted.
As Graduation Day approached, the young man awaited
signs that his father had purchased the car. Finally, on the
morning of his graduation his father called him into his private
study. His father told him how proud he was to have such a fine
son, and told him how much he loved him. He handed his son
a beautiful wrapped gift box.
Curious, but somewhat disappointed the young man
opened the box and found a lovely, leather-bound Bible. Angrily,
he raised his voice at his father and said, "With all your money you
give me a Bible?" and stormed out of the house, leaving the holy
Many years passed and the young man was very successful in
He had a beautiful home and wonderful family, but realized his
father was very old, and thought perhaps he should go to him. He
had not seen him since that graduation day. Before he could make
arrangements, he received a telegram telling him his father had
passed away, and willed all of his possessions to his son. He
needed to come home immediately and take care things.
When he arrived at his father's house, sudden sadness and
regret filled his heart.
He began to search his father's important papers and
saw the still new Bible, just as he had left it years ago. With
tears, he opened the Bible and began to turn the pages. As he
read those words, a car key dropped from an envelope
taped behind the Bible.
It had a tag with the dealer's name, the same dealer who had the
sports car he had desired. On the tag was the date of his graduation,
and the words...PAID IN FULL.
How many times do we miss God's blessings because they are not
packaged as we expected?
5 minute - Management Course
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is
finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and
When she opens the door, there stands Bob,
the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800
to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops
her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after
a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and
goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband
asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything
about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to
credit and risk with your shareholders in time,
you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her
gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid
his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing
gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed
to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek,
further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might
miss a great opportunity.
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the
manager are walking to lunch when they find
an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want
to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without
a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to
be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my
personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina
Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the
office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting,
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him,
'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the
eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox
appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must
be sitting very, very high up.
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of
that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't
got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my
droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and
found it actually gave him enough strength
to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung,
he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was
proudly perched at the top of the tree..
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who
shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it
won't keep you there..
A little bird was flying south for the winter.
It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the
ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by
and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow
dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lays there all warm and happy, and soon
began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and
came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered
the bird under the pile of cow dung, and
promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
In 2008, Mukesh Ambani was planning to buy IDBI bank.
this shows nothing is impossible...
now in 2009, ICICI bank rejected loan for me...
but in 2020, I'm planning to....
Apply for loan again ! :)) =))
Friday, March 20, 2009
Santa : Oh ji Wahe guru da khalsa wahe guru di fateh. Chak denge phatte aaj. Tusi start karo ji.
AB : OK Santa this is your first question for 1000
Rs. - 'Which state has the largest sikh population ?' and your options are :
Santa : Oh ji how much time do I have to answer this question?
AB : Samay ki koi pabandhi nahi hai Santa ji, you can take your time
Santa (Giggles) : Sir ji bada tricky sawaal puchha hai aapne. I would like to use my lifeline.
AB : I'm not surprised on this , which one wud U like to use?
Santa : Audience poll
AB : OK audience please be ready with your voting pads, and your time starts now.
After a minute we have a graphic presentation on the board.
AB : Santa ji, this is a no good situation for you, I can share your disgust here.
Santa : Yeh mere saath hi kyon hota hai. Fasa diya Sirji aapki audience ne. I think I've to use my second lifeline - 50 50.
AB : Very good ! 50 50 ka istemal karna chahenge. OK computer ji do galat jawab mita diye jayen.
Computer displays A. Punjab and C. Punjab
Santa : Badi chalu machine hai aapki sar ji. Mein chhodunga nahi aaj isko. Wahe guru di kasam mereko third life line bhi chahiye. Main apne ek dost ko phone karna chahunga.
AB : Kamal hai Santa ji, I must congratulate you, You have record of using all the lifelines in the very first question. This is great . OK phone a friend - kisko phone karna chahen gee aap.
Santa : My one and only one... mera langotiya yaar., Banta Singh.
AB : OK Banta ko phone lagaya jaye.
Banta picks it 'Hulloooooo, kon hai oye adhi raati,???'
AB : Hello Banta ji , mein Amitabh Bachhan bol raha hoon Star Plus ke Kaun Banega Crorepati se.
Banta : OOOO Bachan ji Sasriyakal, koi hor hota to uski to mein...Q -Q - Q - Q &. Ki hal chal he sar ji.
AB : Mein thik hoon Banta ji, par ye ek family show hai is liye aap apshabdon ka prayog na karen to behtar hoga. Aapke dost yahaan bethe hain mere saath aur...
Banta (Interrupts) : Aur wo sala pehle hi question pe atak gayahoga, khota hai sala. Sawal pucho ji.
AB : Aapko sirf tees second .,......chaliye mein aapko special case karte hue 1 minute doonga. Aur aapka samay shuru hota hai aab.
Santa : Oye bante ke ho raya hai yaar ??
Banta : Oye ullu de dum, saale bahar se taala laga gaya khote. Sawere dud wala aaya si, paise mang raya si, aur khotya tu meri kameez pehen gaya. Saale chakki se aata lana tha, tera baap layega kya ??.
AB: Santa ji kya kar rahe hain samay khatam ho raha hai.Santa : Yes Yes. Oye chod use yaar question hai ..... (he tells him the question).
Banta : Saale sari zindagi tere nakal mar ke fail hota raha hoon, par iska answer mujhe aata hai. Kalank hai tu Punjab ke naam pe. Iska answer Punjab hai lallu.
Santa : Oye par... (and the clock stops).
AB : Samay khatam, aapke mitra ne jawab de diya hai , ab to mujhe pakka confidence hai ke aap kam se kam 1000 to le ke jayenge hi aaj.
Santa : Ullu ka patha hai ji, ye to mujhe bhi pata hai par sale ne yeh to batya nahin ke A hai ya C hai...
And this was the last episode of KBC as most of the audience died laughing.
Friday, March 13, 2009
But the rule is: you can go through them only once and cannot turn back to pick."
The student went to the field, go thru first row, he saw one big wheat, but he wonders..may be there is a bigger one later.
Then he saw another bigger one.. but may be there is an even bigger one waiting for him.
Later, when he finished more than half of the wheat field, he start to realize that the wheat is not as big as the previous one he saw, he know he has missed the biggest one, and he regretted.
So, he ended up went back to the teacher with empty hand.
The teacher told him, "..this is love.. you keep looking for a better one, but when later you realize, you have already miss the person.."
*"What is marriage then?" the student asked.
The teacher said, "in order to answer your question, go to the corn field and choose the biggest corn and come back. But the rule is: you can go through them only once and cannot turn back to pick."
The student went to the corn field, this time he is careful not to repeat the previous mistake, when he reach the middle of the field, he has picked one medium corn that he feel satisfy, and come back to the teacher.
The teacher told him, "this time you bring back a corn.. you look for one that is just nice, and you have faith and believe this is the best one you get.. this is marriage."
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America ."
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America !"
That person puts up his hand and says , "I am from Middle East . I am not American."
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa ."
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."
A saint asked his disciples, 'Why do we shout in anger?
Why do people shout at each other when they are upset?'
Disciples thought for a while, one of them said, 'Because we lose our calm, we shout for that.'
'But, why to shout when the other person is just next to you?' asked the saint. 'Isn't it possible to speak to him or her with a soft voice? Why do you shout at a person when you're angry?'
Disciples gave some other answers but none satisfied the saint.
Finally he explained, 'When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance a lot. To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the stronger they will have to shout to hear each other through that great distance.'
Then the saint asked, 'What happens when two people fall in love? They don't shout at each other but talk softly, why? Because their hearts are very close. The distance between them is very small...'
The saint continued, 'When they love each other even more, what happens? They do not speak, only whisper and they get even closer to each other in their love. Finally they even need not whisper, they only look at each other and that's all. That is how close two people are when they love each other.'
MORAL: When you argue do not let your hearts get distant, do not say words that distance each other more, else there will come a day when the distance is so great that you will not find the path to return.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Times of India decided to ask some of the finest minds around about what they thought of the crash, boom, bang on the BSE.
MANEKA GANDHI: What did you expect! I have it from reliable sources that those stupid brokers had been running a BULL market, alternating it with a BEAR market. Poor Animals! Disgusting! Serves them right.
BAL THACKERAY: It's providence. The government should have renamed the BSE the Chhatrapati Shivaji Stock Exchange. Fits in nicely in the area too, since it's pretty close to the Chhatrapati Shivaji Vaastu Sangrahalaya [the museum, in case you didn't know] and the Chhatrapati Shivaji Terminus.
MALIKA SHERAWAT: It's the Sen-Sex, after all. So it goes up and down, up and down, up and down...
ARJUN SINGH: The HRD Ministry is proposing a 27 per cent reservation on the 30-share index for penny stocks, since they may be considered backward. The current 'correction' is nothing but a manifestation of years of neglect of such shares.
EKTA KAPOOR: Rename it Ksensex.
SHAYAN MUNSHI: I saw nothing, I heard nothing, I don't even speak Hindi.
ESHA DEOL: Sen? Sex? Isn't that the story of my latest movie, Ankahee?
SALMAN KHAN: Let's just shoot those damn bears!
LALU PRASAD YADAV: Ka bole? Bull bhaag gaye? Arre, hamre paas bahut hai, ek do le jaao. As it is, Nitish Kumar has taken over our bungalow and we have nowhere to keep them.
MANMOHAN SINGH: We're introducing a bill making it illegal for the Sensex to fall below the 10,500-point mark. Brokerages are, after all, offices of profit.
BILL CLINTON: Sen-sex? I did not have sex-ual relations with that woman, Miss Sen.
GEORGE W. BUSH: Let's bomb the BSE!
Friday, March 6, 2009
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
U marry someone else.
The one u marry becomes ur wife or husband.
And the one u loved becomes the password of Ur mail id
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
A Jobless man applied for the position of ‘office boy’ at Microsoft. The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test.
‘You are employed’ he said. Give me your e-mail address and I’ll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start.
The man replied ‘But I don’t have a computer, neither an email’.
‘I’m sorry’, said the HR manager. If you don’t have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn’t exist, cannot have the job.’
The man left with no hope at all. He didn’t know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate.
He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours,
he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times,
and returned home with $60.
The man realized that he can survive by this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled everyday.
Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, and then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.
5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US …
He started to plan his family’s future, and decided to have a life insurance.
He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan.
When the conversation was concluded the broker asked him his email.
The man replied,’I don’t have an email.’
The broker answered curiously, ‘You don’t have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an e mail?!!’ The
man thought for a while and replied, ‘Yes, I’d be an office boy at Microsoft!’
Moral of the story
Internet is not the solution to your life.
TWO MEN & A LADY
Two Italian men and a lady stranded on a desert island
The two fought and one KILLED the other to have the lady.
Two American men and a lady stranded on a desert island
They both had the lady TOGETHER.
Two French men and a lady stranded on a desert island
They killed the lady to have EACH OTHER.
Two Indonesian men and a lady stranded on a desert island
The first man claimed that island is independent and took the lady as his
advisor. The second man swam to another island to search for jobs.
Two Thai men and a lady stranded on a desert island
The first man rented the lady to the second man for 2 baht a night.
Two Filipino men and a lady stranded on a desert island
The first man kidnapped the lady and asked for ransom from the other man.
Two Malaysian men and a lady stranded on a desert island
The lady ACCUSED the first man of sodomising the other because she was
rejected by both.
Two Singaporean men and a lady stranded on a desert island
The two men are still waiting for instructions from the GOVERNMENT on how to proceed!
guy if he
thought she was
She asked him if
he would want
to be with her
She then asked him if she were to leave would he cry, and once again he replied with a no.She had heard enough. As she walked away, tears streaming down her face the boy stopped
her and said..
You're not pretty you're beautiful.
I don't want to be with you forever, I NEED to be with you forever.
And I wouldn't cry if you walked away...I'd die............
´?` There was a Blind Gurl
´?` WhO Hate Herself
´?` cOz Of being Blind.
´?` She Hate every1
´?` Except her Boy friend..
´?` 1 day de Gurl said
´?` that if She can
´?` Only c the wOrld
´?` she will marry her bOyfriend,
´?` One day sOme1
´?` dOnated eyes On her
´?` & then she saw Every thing
´?`including her bOyfriend ,
´?` her bOyfriend ask her,
´?` "nOw that u can c ,
´?` will u Marry Me?",
´?` the girl was shOcked when
´?` she saw her bOyfriend
´?` is alsO Blind,
´?` & she refuse tO Marry him.
´?` Her bOyfriend walk away
´?` with Tears & said,
´?` " just take care Of
´?` my eyes dear."
girl and guy were speeding over 100 mph on a motorcycle)
Girl: Slow down. Im scared.
Guy: No this is fun.
Girl: No its not. Please, its too scary!
Guy: Then tell me you love me.
Girl: Fine, I love you. Slow down!
Guy: Now give me a BIG hug. (Girl hugs him)
Guy: Can you take my helmet off and put it on? Its bugging me.
In the paper the next day: A motorcycle had crashed into a building
because of break failure. Two people were on the motorcycle, but only
The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy realized that his
breaks broke, but he didn't want to let the girl know. Instead, he had her
say she loved him, felt her hug one last time, then had her wear his
helmet so she would live even though it meant he would die.
if u r really loving some1 frm ur heart.....